In a Gross Exaggeration of Fact, Trump Deployed the National Guard in D.C. to “Jail” Violent Criminals

(Optional Musical Accompaniment to This Post)

Jesus H. Christ on a Three-Day Pass, I can’t leave for a week without people talking about nuclear reactors on the moon, or presidents doing press briefings from the White House roof, or the U.S. giving up on what might be the most promising medical breakthrough since Louis Pasteur rolled out of bed one morning, or a guy shooting up the Centers for Disease Control, or our new director of the National Counterterrorism Center being a complete crackpot whom the voters of the state of Washington have blown off twice, or the confirmation of a walking box of wine to be U.S. Attorney for Washington, D.C., or the fact that the IRS commissioner got fired because he insisted on, you know, obeying the law, or the towering pettiness on the part of El Caudillo del Mar-a-Lago which apparently knows no bounds. From CNN:

Portraits of other recent predecessors with whom President Donald Trump has a contentious relationship, former President George W. Bush and his father, George H. W. Bush, have also been moved. Trump directed staff to move the Obama portrait to the top of the Grand Staircase, two sources familiar with the matter told CNN. . . . It’s not the first time the Obama painting has been repositioned. In April, the Obama portrait was moved across the Grand Foyer of the White House and replaced with a painting of an iconic scene of Trump surviving an assassination attempt in Butler, Pennsylvania. White House protocol and precedent calls for portraits of the most recent American presidents to be given the most prominent placement, in the entrance of the executive mansion, visible to guests during official events and visitors on tours.

Protocol and Precedent are now doing three sets a night at the Chuckle Hut in Laughlin, Nevada—which, as coincidence would have it, is the same town where stands the brothel that inspired the president’s ongoing re-imagining of the Oval Office —a.k.a. the Gilded Palace of Sin.

(Thanks again, Gram).

So, here I am back behind the sticks at the shebeen—cocked, locked, and ready to rock—just in time for the president to prepare to place the nation’s capital, currently enjoying a thirty-year low in crime, under de facto martial law. From Reuters:

While details of the plan were unclear, the administration is preparing to deploy hundreds of National Guard troops to Washington, a U.S. official told Reuters, a controversial tactic Trump used recently in Los Angeles. . . . Trump has not made a final decision, the official said, adding that the number of troops and their role are still being determined.

Unlike in California and every other state, where the governor typically decides when to activate Guard troops, the president directly controls the National Guard in Washington, D.C. Past instances of the Guard’s deployment in the city include in response to the January 6, 2021, attack on the U.S. Capitol by a mob of Trump supporters.

“The Homeless have to move out, IMMEDIATELY,” Trump posted on his Truth Social platform. “We will give you places to stay, but FAR from the Capital. The Criminals, you don’t have to move out. We’re going to put you in jail where you belong.”

On Monday night, D.C. residents leaped into social media to report a suddenly increased law enforcement present at certain critical D.C. locations. And, while we are usually wary of any empirical reliance on data points beginning with the phrase, “A lot of people online are saying,” several of these posts came with photos showing groups of bulkhounds in camo in, among other places, Dupont Circle. And NPR is on the case as well.

Scores of federal agents fanned out across Washington, D.C., on Sunday night after President Trump promised a swift crackdown on crime and homelessness in the nation’s capital. “The Homeless have to move out, IMMEDIATELY,” he said on his social media platform Truth Social. “We will give you places to stay, but FAR from the Capital.” Trump also said the U.S. government would target criminals, posting: “Be Prepared! There will be no ‘Mr. Nice Guy.’ We want our Capital BACK.”

On Tuesday, the president came down from the roof of the White House to lay out the plans to deal with the new imaginary bogeymen that are cavorting amid the amyloid plaques in the canyons of his brain. “They’re rough and tough,” he said. “We’re rougher and tougher.”

Doug Burgum, the largely forgotten Secretary of the Interior, showed up to the ritual kissing of the ass, talking about muscling up the National Park Police against the homeless. He then stepped back behind the president with the rest of the tools, including Secretary of Defense Kegstand, FBI director Kash Patel, who heroically lied about child trafficking right there in front of the people who are burying the Epstein files; U.S. Attorney Jeanine Pirro, who frothed about “young punks” and the recent martyrdom of Big Balls; and, of course, Attorney General Pam Bondi, who promised to completely eliminate crime in D.C. She has proven that she can’t even keep the executive branch crime free, but never mind.

After the obsequious obsequies were done, and all of the spittle was properly licked, the president bragged about how he was turning the White House into a Gilded Age cathouse. We were then treated to some free-association about imaginary vandals who were preparing to pull down the Lincoln and Jefferson Memorials, and the ancient lie about how Nancy Pelosi turned down his offer of “ten-thousand National Guardsmen” on January 6, 2021. And that was it. Home rule in our nation’s capital is dead and the city is now completely federalized as a “wasteland” that exists only in the senile, bigoted fantasy of an old crook and his Cabinet of fools and ghouls.

So, anyway, nice to see y’all again.

Christ on a crutch, I need a break.